Balance of Power

Occasionally friends have ribbed me for some of the parenting rules my hubs and I have established with our kids.

One that comes to mind at the moment is our "Odd-man-in Rule." Before our kids were old enough to date, whenever they got together with a boy-girl mix of friends, it had to be an uneven ratio of boys to girls. We did this to discourage pairing up—the whole double/triple date mentality.

Another policy we have is our "Movie Ratings Rule." I mentioned this in previous posts, but essentially, we didn't allow our kids to watch PG movies until they were nine, and PG-13 movies until they were 13. We figured it was pretty obvious what the "13" was for. (However, I think the rating system could benefit from adding even more levels in there.)

So while having breakfast with friends one morning, when I casually mentioned my daughter and I had watched an R-rated movie together, there were guffaws around the table. "What?!" "Ooooh! Holly, let her kid watch an R-rated movie?" "What happened to your infamous rules?"

Well the fact is, she IS eighteen now. Thus, the rules are changing. The balance of power is shifting—has shifted.

As parents of infants and toddlers, we start out in total control. We set all the rules: when and what they eat, what they wear, what they watch on T.V. The balance of power is clearly tipped in our favor. Then, they grow and start to develop definite opinions, along with the ability to say "no," and we see the first hint of necessary shifts in that balance.

We begin to offer limited choices: Would you like to wear the blue top or the red one? Would you like cereal for breakfast or waffles? And eventually, "What are you making mommy for breakfast this morning, sweetheart? (Yeah, in my dreams!) Eventually, the shift takes on a more definitive form. But we all parent differently, so how and when that shift takes place varies among parents. Opposite ends of the parenting spectrum I've personally witnessed:

• No pierced ears on daughters until age 12.
• No problem piercing sons' ears in preschool.
• Only G-rated movies until age 9.
• R-rated movies are fine starting in kindergarten.
• No dating. Period.
• Dating starting in fifth grade is fine.

 It's easy for one set of parents to shake their heads and judge another, thinking "Would you look at that? They're doing it wrong." But ultimately, we're each responsible for parenting our own children with the goal being that by the time our kids reach adulthood, the balance of power has shifted completely over to their side.

It's a tough lesson to learn (well, at least for me!) as I watch my 18-year-old make decisions that will affect her future career, her life. When she's sharing her thoughts on a particular topic, I occasionally have to bite my tongue, nod, and just listen to what she has to say. There are other times though, when I can tell she wishes we'd make a certain decision for her. Instead we offer our input and advice, making it clear that the decision is entirely hers. It's definitely not an easy clear-cut process this shifting in the balance of power. It's a little scary for both parties. But regardless, the balance of power will shift. Must shift. And hopefully…we're not doing it wrong.

Image by: di_the_huntress

Quote of the Week

"The most essential factor is persistence—the determination never to allow your energy or enthusiasm to be dampened by the discouragement that must inevitably come."

~ James Whitcomb Riley ~

Image by Wolfgang Staudt

Banning the Dictionary?

I read a story a few weeks back about a school district in California pulling all copies of Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary from its libraries because a parent complained the dictionary was being used to look up "age inappropriate" words by students. When I read this story I literally laughed out loud.

Banning the dictionary? Really?

Let me start by saying, I'm all for keeping things age appropriate. When our kids were younger, we were some of those weird parents who didn't let their kids watch PG movies until the age of 9 and PG-13 movies until they actually were thirteen (and even then some got a thumbs-down vote from us). We currently have filtering software on our computer to block out the creepy porn stuff. And I'm all for parents monitoring book selections for their children. When my daughter's voracious reading appetite moved into chapter books, I reviewed her choices. (Let me tell you this was no easy task with a girl who reads about five times faster than I do. I'm NOT exaggerating!) And yes, there are certain books and authors you'd never catch me reading in a million years. But we live in America!

Being aware of what our children are reading and keeping things age appropriate, sure thing. But to go so far as to ban a book? And the dictionary? Uh-uh.
This story piqued my interest so much, I thought it might be interesting to take a look at other books which have been banned in the U.S.A. I knew about some of them, but several books on the list surprised me! Here's just a sampling…

1984 by George Orwell
A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle
Canterbury Tales by Chaucer
Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger
Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller
Flowers For Algernon by Daniel Keyes
From Here to Eternity by James Jones
Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
Little Red Riding Hood by Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
My Friend Flicka by Mary O'Hara
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
Sylvester and the Magic Pebble by William Steig
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Lorax by Dr. Seuss
The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien
The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare
Ulysses by James Joyce
Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe

So, I guess now we're potentially adding Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary to the list. As a side note, I just shared this story with my 18-year-old daughter. She blinked once, then said, "you know, there's the Internet for looking that stuff up as well."

Uh-oh…

"The books that the world calls immoral are the books that show the world its own shame."
~ Oscar Wilde ~

Image by: Ian Wilson

Quote of the Week

"I only write when I’m inspired, and I make sure

I’m inspired every morning at 9 a.m."

~ Peter DeVries ~

Image by: Caitlinator

Class Project

I've always believed my kids should do their own school projects, even back when they were in elementary school and had their very first "projects": Write three sentences about snow and glue cotton balls into a snowman shape at the bottom of the page. (I mean, you could always tell which children's parents had made the snowmen for them.) Over the years, I've helped a little, but not loads. And with my kids now in high school you'd think I'd be pretty much out of the "helping with class projects" picture, wouldn't you?

Uh, no.

The other day, my son was assigned a project that was due in two days: Make a Central or South American dish for Spanish class, and it couldn't be something easy like guacamole or salsa.

I was in a hurry when he explained it. We Googled "easy Honduran recipes" in honor of his uncle, (my youngest brother was adopted from there) and pulled up a recipe for "buñelos," featuring ingredients I had on hand. Score!

Josh came home the next day with lots of homework: a math packet to complete, a science test to study for, 45 pages of a book to read, a Spanish worksheet to finish, and…buñelos to make. After dinner, I left him to mix the ingredients. After much clattering of the silverware drawer, other drawers and several dramatic sighs, I finally caved and helped.

I watched as he s-l-o-w-ly scooped flour into the measuring cup.

"How much flour do you need?"

"Six cups."

SIX CUPS! I looked dubiously at my flour container, then mentally added flour to my grocery list.

Over the next hour, he painstakingly measured in the remaining ingredients. "We're out of salt now," he said when I came back to check on him.

Add salt to the grocery list.

"Um, mom I still need to finish the rest of my homework." He looked worried; it was now 7:45 p.m.

"Okay," I sighed. "I'll help."

The dough was sticky and jammed my beaters. When I tried to clear them, dough spattered the walls, the countertop, the dog and me. Grrr! He'd doubled the recipe to make enough for every kid. So after cleaning the mess, I formed 40 round balls of dough.

Next step: let sit for 30 minutes. 30 MINUTES! It was already 8:45 p.m. Fabulous. So they sat. I stared at them while they sat. They didn't do anything interesting.

Sitting allows the buñelos to dry out so they don't absorb too much oil.

What do they mean, "too much of the oil"? I look at the recipe again.

Pour oil, 1" thick into the bottom of a pan and heat.

Oh. My. Gosh! This is DEEP FRYING!

"Josh, can you bring me the fire extinguisher?"

He carried it into the kitchen. "Mom, you know you can't use this on an oil fire, right?"

"Of course I know that!" How come my 15-year-old knows this and I don't?

"Okay," he says calmly, and leaves the kitchen to finish his homework.

I dumped the entire bottle of oil into the pan, (add oil to the shopping list) said a prayer, and heated it.

Roll each ball flat.

I do this. The end result is this thin, circle-shaped blob. I eased it into the hot oil, suddenly realizing I could only cook one of these babies at a time. I looked at the remaining 39 balls of dough.

"Yo Josh, how's that homework coming?"

"I've got another 30 pages."

Now it's my turn to sigh dramatically.

As it cooked, I noticed something else. "Hey, this is an Elephant Ear! Why didn't the bloomin' recipe say it was an Elephant Ear, maybe we'd have picked something else!" I grumbled.

As each Elephant—er, I mean buñelo came out of the pan I placed it on paper towels to drain, sprinkling both sides with cinnamon sugar.

At 10:15 p.m. Josh entered the kitchen, his eyes were drooping. "What should I do?"

As much as I wanted to, I couldn't make him do it. He was obviously exhausted.

"You have to cook at least one," the mom-making-her-kid-do-his-own-homework-in-me said.

"Okay." He did it with a yawn.

"Go to bed, buddy. I'll finish."

A little after midnight, the buñelos were cooled and packaged for school.

I yawned, and made a note to go grocery shopping.

All I have to say is, I'd better get an "A."

Quote of the Week

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.

The best way out is always through.

Although the world is full of suffering,

it is also full of the overcoming of it."

~ Helen Keller ~

Driving Lessons

It sounded like a good idea at the time.

I had read an article about these super-cool magnetic bumper stickers, CAUTION NEW DRIVER, and thought to myself. What a brilliant idea! Whenever I'm having my newly permitted child practice driving skills, I'll just slap it onto the back of the ol' van. Then all the other kindly drivers will be instantaneously aware and think to themselves, "Oh, look. How sweet, a new driver. I'll give him a nice, wide berth so he has plenty of room as he learns this new skill of driving."

I should have known better.

I was totally appalled. People spotted that sticker and raced as fast as they could to get around my poor kid: cutting in front of him as he slowed to a stop at red lights; illegally shooting past on the shoulder as he waited to make unprotected left-hand turns. Instead of patiently making allowances for him, as I'd thought they would, it was more like other drivers were in this frantic frenzy to get away from him before (Heaven forbid!) they were trapped behind him while he drove the speed limit or came to a complete stop before the white line.

One time, I forgot to take the thing off while I was driving around, and some dude passed me as I was accelerating on the entrance ramp to the highway!

Thinking back now, I didn't take it seriously enough when my son told me stories about driving lessons in the official student driver car. You know, the one with the BIG "Student Driver" sign stuck on top? He told me he and his fellow trainees had been cut off, shouted at and one older gentleman (cough!) had even honked at him while he was negotiating his way into a parking space.

Seriously, what is wrong with people? Are we really in such a rush we have no patience for newbies? And honestly, he's not that bad. (Thankfully, he doesn't read my blog and won't get a swelled head, but he's truly a focused, safe driver without being unusually slow or anything.)

Well, with all this being said, I still remain a hopeful optimist. I hope these were just a few unusually crabby folks we encountered. I hope that other drivers will exhibit patience and kindness during those times when they may least feel like it. And most of all, I hope people remember what it was like to be on the road for the first time: scary, nerve wracking, requiring full concentration. And the kid who's driving doesn't have it all that easy either. (Ha, ha!)

So, how about you? How do you handle situations when you encounter a new driver on the road?